What is your finish line?

I'm in Portland, looking out the back of my home, sipping a cup of morning coffee. The sun has just started to come up over the mountains, giving off just enough light to not be blinding but shooing away the night. The house itself is beautiful - lots of large glass panes to let in as much natural light as possible, exposed rafters, a very urban log-cabin feel to it. Soft leather chairs and couches face the front of the house, a kitchen to the right. Looking out the back, there's a porch that juts out to give you that feeling that you're hovering over the hillside. Looking out to the east is the city, intermingled among the trees. The air is cool but not crisp.
This is my morning ritual, before I go into the chaos head-first. The frenetic pace of life in the office is balanced by this moment, right here, when everyone but me is still asleep. I work...a lot but it's on my terms.
Business is going well. It's that feeling of accomplishment that goes through me this morning...I did it. I'm not content with "it" though. There is still much to be done - much more than anyone can anticipate. I've been holding back, waiting for everyone to get a moment of victory savored before I drop the next bomb - we have to do it all over again. Not because someone screwed up but because we can't be content with "right now" - we must strive to tomorrow. And in this moment, by myself, I smile because I know that the path ahead might be difficult but no one could have seen this coming, not by a country mile.

Reshaping the Concept of Work

Here's a problem: life is becoming more and more dependent on working extended hours. Why? Why do we feel compelled to be on and available at all hours of the day? Why do we feel compelled to respond to that email or phone call when we should be disconnecting from work and nuturing our life outside of work? More importantly, why don't people get this concept? I mentioned to someone yesterday that I don't work once I'm home and the response I got was "that's good"...in other words "what's wrong with you?"
I've read a lot about the need for work/life balance, for movement towards a 4-day work week, for paid maternity AND paternity leave outside of vacation time accrued. And yet most business leaders see all of these concepts as a detriment to the business. Unless you are in the medical industry (accidents and ailments don't come just between the hours of 9-5 Monday-Friday), my question is simple: why?
What are we doing that is so critical that we bury ourselves in work? What transformational and life-extending idea or product are we creating that demands such ridiculous effort? Most of the time, the answer is "nothing, that's just what my company/boss expects of me". I call bullshit. Here's a different train of thought: what are we doing to minimize the necessity for work? What advancements are we doing to require less time at the office and more time at home or places we actually want to be?
I read recently about the concept of machines becoming so effective and intelligent that we could be looking at a future where full-time employment becomes harder and harder to find. Again, why is that a problem?! I know this is completely outlandish but stay with me: how about, if we get to that point, we still pay people the same amount for less work? Maybe, just maybe, we want to take care of our fellow man, provide them the income and benefits they need to provide for their family and not chain them to a desk for 50 hours a week because "that's just how it needs to be"? Maybe we stop being hyper-focused on making a bunch of money for ourselves and instead investing in being better humans. I know: crazy.

Daring to Dream

Steve Jobs: that's my hero. I've wondered on more than one occasion what it would take to be like him one day. Being an asshole isn't in my nature but the man couldn't have been full asshole all the time, right? It's a caricature of Mr. Jobs that I can't validate was an accurate one. Regardless of what you thought of him, you can't deny the fact that the man was a game-changer. Had I had the chance to meet the man, I would want to ask him two things: are you a dreamer and, if so, how did you start turning your dreams into reality?
I regularly find myself wondering what I could accomplish by being just a dreamer. I don't have an engineering degree though, given the right opportunity, I would probably go after one. I haven't made one piece of technology myself but I have an affinity for putting things together and, equally pleasurable, tearing things apart to see how they work. I read voraciously about technology to see what the future holds in a connected society.
The new "Steve Jobs" movie is coming out this week and, to noone's surprise, I'm going to see it asap. In the previews, there is a shot of Jobs (Michael Fassbender) in his later years looking down at a display, deeply examining the creation in front of him with a sense of both scrutiny and elation. It's that look of "why hello there" that I want to have when looking at some idea I have that has come to fruition.
And therein lies my problem: I have no product to drive to, no resources to create it, and no work environment to foster it. Looking at "opportunities" at employers other than my own has left me with a sense that I will need to do this myself on my terms. Creating anything while at my current employer will a) be the property of them and b) will get lost in the enormity of the company. I need that garage, that Wozniak, that Apple II to get me off of the ground. But all that is Apple didn't come to be just out of thin air - Jobs made a decision to go after what he loved, what he dreamed to bring into this world, and he did so not giving a shit whether the establishment thought it was a good idea. Maybe it's time for me to stop giving a shit about everyone else's agenda and get to work creating what they don't know they need yet but will need it when I show it to them.

Update: I had no idea when I wrote this that today, October 5 2015, is the 4th anniversary of the day Steve Jobs passed away. This was not intentional but a happy coincidence. :)

A Stream of Consciousness

Hope, that is what I find myself both yearning and refusing. Hope doesn't produce results. Hope doesn't make things happen. Hope makes you weak. Hope makes you rely on someone else's action to drive your happiness. Hope is a nice idea but a terrible agent of action. What's the point of hoping something happens if that "something" never comes because it required effort on your part?
I loathe the idea of relying on someone else to make things happen for me and yet I fall into that state of reliance every day. This is not who I am supposed to be nor what I am supposed to be doing. I know this and yet I also know that as soon as I leave here and take off these headphones, I'll be back in reality - succumbing to the ebbs and flows of an ocean that I cannot cross. Or can I?
I watched "The Truman Show" the other night and caught myself watching the whole thing, despite the fact that it ended around 11:30 and I was going to be up at 5. That ending was appropro to what I just said above. He's sailing away from what he's known his whole life because he knows that whatever is on the distant shore is what he truly wants and needs. He's willing to survive an onslaught of crushing waves and dangerous weather because, at the end of the day, it's a battle of wills that he has to win. That sense of accomplishment that comes over him before exiting the world he knows is analagous to what I want to feel. 

I Guess I'm on My Own Here

I had a dream last night right before I woke up. In the dream, I was on a river out in the middle of nowhere. It was early winter from what I could tell as there was a little bit of snow on the ground and tree branches and the air had that crispness to it. And when I say I was "on" the river, it would be more appropriate to say I was "walking on" the river. It's funny how natural that felt. It certainly felt natural enough for me to say "I don't know why people making a big deal of Jesus doing this - it isn't that hard." I know I could go online, search for "dream walking on water" or something to that effect but, frankly, I don't need to. It was a nice dream and I'll read into it what I choose to.

The weather outside right now is incredibly reminiscent of Portland - grey, misty and cool-to-warm temperatures. I've been looking on LinkedIn for jobs in Portland with the idea that I could find something that would allow us to move out there without the requirement of Alissa needing to work. So far, I've applied for a few positions and reached out to a few recruiters but have received minimal feedback. It's a goal I have - to be closer to family - that is driving the search but my attempts to lock something down up to now have been minimal to make that goal a reality. How do I break through, get noticed, find something I really want?

Today's Steam of Consciousness - I apologize now :)

This is going to be a stream of consciousness post. I'm going to apologize ahead of time for any rambling or lack of cohesion that may ensue. I'm tired - it's been particularly draining as of late at work. I wouldn't be so glum if what I was doing at work was making a positive impact on society, helping the next generation to dream big. No, what I do adds a fraction of a cent to my company's stock price and that's probably being optimistic. What I deal with daily is trivial nonsense, fire drills and emergencies that would be easily mitigated with even the slightest amount of forethought. Even if effective leadership and organization were in place, what I do each day for work leaves me hollow. I've come and sat at this Starbucks on multiple occasions, trying to figure out what the hell I should do to fill that void. If I died today (God forbid), I would feel successful as a father and son, semi-successful as a husband and friend, and a failure as a businessman. "But you don't lie on your deathbed looking back fondly at grinding out work", you say. I know - that's why I pretty consistently disconnect completely from work when I'm not in the office. There's a difference, though, between wanting to spend more time padding someone else's pocket and working to change the world for the better. The world is so damn big and I have no clue where to begin or where I can make a difference. I've written about not being able to find my path multiple times and, if someone has read my various entries, it would be easy to say "just fucking do something already". Here's my reply: I need an enabler - something or someone that helps get me moving in the right direction. I am alone in this struggle right now. I have plenty of voices telling me how I am getting the shaft or some similar sentiment but no one can provide some alternatives or, in some cases, any level of reassurance and support. I want to be a better man - how the hell is that a problem?

My father has cancer...again. That's not something I really enjoy saying. He is a man I have only seen twice in my entire life but he is half the reason I even exist. The relationship I have had with my father has clearly been minimal despite the fact that I have known his mother and step-father since I was a child.

I learned about my father at a relatively young age (9 or so if I'm remembering correctly). Up to that point, it was just normal for me that I didn't have a dad. I didn't have a lack of father figures though: I grew up in my grandparents' house, my grandfather provided the fatherly role and my uncles were, and continue to be, essentially older brothers. Then at age four, when my mom married my "step-father", from that point on I had a Dad. 

When I found out I had a father, it was more of a "well that's neat" kind of revelation. I've never felt that absence or yearning that comes for some people who have never met a parent. I attribute that to the fact that my whole life up to that point was filled with father figures who more than exceeded that need (and continue to do so I might add).

Still, knowing your father, regardless of when he comes into your life, is a good thing. For my 21st birthday, my parents gave me a roundtrip airfare to see my family in Maine (I was living in Louisiana at the time). There was one condition: I had to actually meet my father. That made the whole "I have a father" concept REALLY real. I agreed (and glad I did as it was one of the last times I saw my grandmother) and midway through the trip I met him. Talk about surreal: I was looking at a mirror-image of myself, plus or minus 20 years. There was a flood of emotions that came over me: joy, confusion, curiosity. It , was wild to sit and talk to him, learn about his family (I instantly gained another brother and sister) and just take in the fact I was actually talking to the other person who brought me into this world.

We met up once more that was slightly tinged (his wife objected to my grandparents coming along despite my father's parents being invited...I was furious) but it was great because I met my other sister and brother. That was roughly 14 years ago. Since then, though, we haven't talked much other than an occasional email.

Fast-forward to this week. My mother lets me know she heard through the grapevine that my father has cancer again. The first time, it was detected early, treated and went into remission. The fact that it has come back and is in the same area (prostate) is unsettling. Part of me is concerned I'll have to deal with it one day. The rest of me has a new set of mixed emotions: sadness, guilt, fear. I've shut out that part of me because, well, it's not a regular part of my life.

I've failed. That's how I feel right now. I've squandered whatever time I could have had with him up to now and am being forced to face that as his mortality is being tested yet again. I equally feel I don't deserve to be sad - his kids are having to deal with this first-hand and had to go through this once before. I have not been involved in the slightest.

Now I have to go back to the life in front of me. I need to process this some more if I'm going to do what I know I should do: email him or pick up the phone.