Hope, that is what I find myself both yearning and refusing. Hope doesn't produce results. Hope doesn't make things happen. Hope makes you weak. Hope makes you rely on someone else's action to drive your happiness. Hope is a nice idea but a terrible agent of action. What's the point of hoping something happens if that "something" never comes because it required effort on your part?
I loathe the idea of relying on someone else to make things happen for me and yet I fall into that state of reliance every day. This is not who I am supposed to be nor what I am supposed to be doing. I know this and yet I also know that as soon as I leave here and take off these headphones, I'll be back in reality - succumbing to the ebbs and flows of an ocean that I cannot cross. Or can I?
I watched "The Truman Show" the other night and caught myself watching the whole thing, despite the fact that it ended around 11:30 and I was going to be up at 5. That ending was appropro to what I just said above. He's sailing away from what he's known his whole life because he knows that whatever is on the distant shore is what he truly wants and needs. He's willing to survive an onslaught of crushing waves and dangerous weather because, at the end of the day, it's a battle of wills that he has to win. That sense of accomplishment that comes over him before exiting the world he knows is analagous to what I want to feel.
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