Today's Steam of Consciousness - I apologize now :)

This is going to be a stream of consciousness post. I'm going to apologize ahead of time for any rambling or lack of cohesion that may ensue. I'm tired - it's been particularly draining as of late at work. I wouldn't be so glum if what I was doing at work was making a positive impact on society, helping the next generation to dream big. No, what I do adds a fraction of a cent to my company's stock price and that's probably being optimistic. What I deal with daily is trivial nonsense, fire drills and emergencies that would be easily mitigated with even the slightest amount of forethought. Even if effective leadership and organization were in place, what I do each day for work leaves me hollow. I've come and sat at this Starbucks on multiple occasions, trying to figure out what the hell I should do to fill that void. If I died today (God forbid), I would feel successful as a father and son, semi-successful as a husband and friend, and a failure as a businessman. "But you don't lie on your deathbed looking back fondly at grinding out work", you say. I know - that's why I pretty consistently disconnect completely from work when I'm not in the office. There's a difference, though, between wanting to spend more time padding someone else's pocket and working to change the world for the better. The world is so damn big and I have no clue where to begin or where I can make a difference. I've written about not being able to find my path multiple times and, if someone has read my various entries, it would be easy to say "just fucking do something already". Here's my reply: I need an enabler - something or someone that helps get me moving in the right direction. I am alone in this struggle right now. I have plenty of voices telling me how I am getting the shaft or some similar sentiment but no one can provide some alternatives or, in some cases, any level of reassurance and support. I want to be a better man - how the hell is that a problem?

My father has cancer...again. That's not something I really enjoy saying. He is a man I have only seen twice in my entire life but he is half the reason I even exist. The relationship I have had with my father has clearly been minimal despite the fact that I have known his mother and step-father since I was a child.

I learned about my father at a relatively young age (9 or so if I'm remembering correctly). Up to that point, it was just normal for me that I didn't have a dad. I didn't have a lack of father figures though: I grew up in my grandparents' house, my grandfather provided the fatherly role and my uncles were, and continue to be, essentially older brothers. Then at age four, when my mom married my "step-father", from that point on I had a Dad. 

When I found out I had a father, it was more of a "well that's neat" kind of revelation. I've never felt that absence or yearning that comes for some people who have never met a parent. I attribute that to the fact that my whole life up to that point was filled with father figures who more than exceeded that need (and continue to do so I might add).

Still, knowing your father, regardless of when he comes into your life, is a good thing. For my 21st birthday, my parents gave me a roundtrip airfare to see my family in Maine (I was living in Louisiana at the time). There was one condition: I had to actually meet my father. That made the whole "I have a father" concept REALLY real. I agreed (and glad I did as it was one of the last times I saw my grandmother) and midway through the trip I met him. Talk about surreal: I was looking at a mirror-image of myself, plus or minus 20 years. There was a flood of emotions that came over me: joy, confusion, curiosity. It , was wild to sit and talk to him, learn about his family (I instantly gained another brother and sister) and just take in the fact I was actually talking to the other person who brought me into this world.

We met up once more that was slightly tinged (his wife objected to my grandparents coming along despite my father's parents being invited...I was furious) but it was great because I met my other sister and brother. That was roughly 14 years ago. Since then, though, we haven't talked much other than an occasional email.

Fast-forward to this week. My mother lets me know she heard through the grapevine that my father has cancer again. The first time, it was detected early, treated and went into remission. The fact that it has come back and is in the same area (prostate) is unsettling. Part of me is concerned I'll have to deal with it one day. The rest of me has a new set of mixed emotions: sadness, guilt, fear. I've shut out that part of me because, well, it's not a regular part of my life.

I've failed. That's how I feel right now. I've squandered whatever time I could have had with him up to now and am being forced to face that as his mortality is being tested yet again. I equally feel I don't deserve to be sad - his kids are having to deal with this first-hand and had to go through this once before. I have not been involved in the slightest.

Now I have to go back to the life in front of me. I need to process this some more if I'm going to do what I know I should do: email him or pick up the phone.

It's just after 3:30 on a Friday. I'm sitting in my work cube enjoying a little Diet Dr. Pepper and stewing on my current situation. I've been adapting to my new role as best as I can in the interest of self-preservation. I've also looked outside of the company for alternative options to redirect my career. One of the places I've applied is Google. I thought to myself earlier today "if given the option, would you rather win the lottery or work at Google?" I chose the latter.

It's a bit crazy, right? "Why not take the money and not work anymore? Get out of the rat race." Tempting as that may be, I'm more interested in making a difference. Let's face it - I'd be bored in a relatively short amount of time and who knows what that would bring. Instead, in a position with Google, a company I have admired and whose products are a daily part of my life, I could find myself in a position of impact.

It's always been a dream of mine to work somewhere that fosters innovation outside of just that which would generate more revenue for shareholder's delight. Google does have plenty of money, no doubt, but it's the premise of how Google operates that inspires me to work for them. On their site, they have a list of ten things they "know to be true":

1. Focus on the user and all else will follow
2. It's best to do one thing really, really well
3. Fast is better than slow
4. Democracy on the web works
5. You don't need to be at your desk to need an answer
6. You can make money without doing evil
7. There's always information out there
8. The need for information crosses all borders
9. You can be serious without a suit
10. Great just isn't good enough

Of that list, items 2, 6, and 10 really strike a chord with me. Here's why:

• #2 - It's such a cliche but so accurate: jack of all trades, master of none. That's my perception of my current employer. In a recent employee engagement survey, I alluded to Apple's near-death to resurrection story over the last decade as a cautionary tale to our current business model. We are trying to be so many things to so many people that we aren't particularly excellent at the most fundamental elements of our business. It shows in the perception customers and non-customers alike have of our business. I want to work for a company who, while they may have a number of irons in the fire, they remain vigilantly focused on their core business and know when to scale back.
• #6 - It's no secret that who I work for has a perception problem here as well. Recent government rulings have brought out the worst in who we are as a company: resistant to change that the public wants and, frankly, deserves. It's no surprise that Google and other key tech companies were on the opposite side of this particular issue. My own values conflict at times with the way my employer publicly carries itself where Google's way of doing business seems far more palpable. 
• #10 - This one hurts a bit but is inspiring nonetheless. In both my previous and current role, I have felt hampered by the sheer enormity of the people I have to interact with to get things done. What makes it more frustrating is a general lack of interest in out-of-the-box thinking or, heaven forbid, adapting to rapid change. This is incredibly demotivating and results in the general malaise I have to accomplish anything in my current capacity. I would much sooner hit the Restart button with a company rooted in change, adaptability and responsiveness.

Is this meant to be some kind of plea / butt-kissing to get the job I've applied for? No, I would only want to be hired on the merits of my experience and my ability to do the job better than other applicants. But, if I was hired, this may be considered confirmation that who I am, what I believe and what I can achieve with the right employer would greatly benefit everyone, including the end user who, after all, is the whole reason any of us have jobs in the first place. And for the record, I'm not applying for a job...I want a career.

It's time that I make a change. Yesterday, I found out the nature of my new position. In short, they put the wrong person in the wrong role. I have a peer who is far better at what I'm about to be responsible for managing yet I am fairly sure there was a political reason for the assignment. This role is not what I am built for. I want to be able to take something apart, see how it works, put it back together and get people fired up about it.

I am not an author, at least not for a career path. What I need to do next, though, and where that will be is the question of the hour. I can't just up and leave my company - I have too many obligations to do that. But I can't be hindered in finding that next step because I have stability. How do I pull this off?

On Having My Head in the Clouds

Last week, my group received word that there is going to be a rather large reorganization of our business unit. For me, that means we're about to be doing some downsizing. Talk about a gut check. Now you can be positive all you want and focus on things that you actually have control over (doing both already), the fact remains that if everyone is doing that someone is going to be disappointed.

In a semi-sadistic way, I almost want to be cut. Maybe that would be the proverbial kick in the ass I need to go after something I'm really interested in. I have this daydream occasionally of tinkering on a project in the garage, building my own workspace from scratch in our garage. It's an incredibly simplistic dream but one that I find heartwarming nonetheless. Clearly, losing my job would afford me the time to go after that but I'm pretty sure that would not be the best thing for securing my family's well-being.  Just a hunch.

I've had an equally heartwarming but even more unrealistic dream of hitting the lottery. I don't know why I even let that one exist.  The odds of "winning it big" are greater than me meeting my fave celebrities, Dwayne "The ROCK" Johnson or Jennifer Lopez, and those odds are incredibly tiny themselves. Still, it's in that fantasy that I'm able to think of the things I'd do. Let's dream a bit. Assuming I pick the right numbers or enter the right contest, here's my plan of attack:

1. Tell Alissa she doesn't have to work anymore unless she wants to. Ahhhh, that felt great.
2. Time to give the job the boot. It's been real but it's time to leave. Yeah, I'll be nice and give you two weeks' notice but you better believe I'll be more or less keeping a seat warm more than anything.
3. Now that I've rid myself of that crap, time to go back to school. I want to tinker but I need to know how stuff works.  One of the most fun memories I have as a kid is taking apart my bicycle and putting it back together. I have a knack for building things but when it comes to soldering, knowing what chipsets and other tech-bits are needed to build something functional, I'm not that educated. So, off I go to school to figure that part out.
4. Time to move. Ok, maybe that should be #3 to limit the schools to research. Atlanta sucks, the end. I'm moving somewhere that is:
• Closer to family, preferably within a 20-30 minute drive
• Provides a rich, culturally diverse environment for my kids that fosters free thought and a progressive way of life - no editing of textbooks and hindering the free-flow of, you know, FACTS for these kids
• Gives me some opportunity to have a job with my new-found education
5. Relax for a month or so. Well, relax as much as you can with two kids 3 and under at home.
6. Make something really cool with the new-found talent of making widgets.
7. Change the world.

There you have it: a totally realistic plan to start with. And all it requires is an incredibly unlikely stroke of unadulterated luck.  What a nice dream.

On Being Human

What if God is not instrumental in all of the decisions and events that shape our lives?  I'm not asking if God exists.  Instead, I'm asking if it's possible that His influence is not nearly as great as we think...or hope.  Is it possible, since Adam and Eve partook of the famed apple, even then God took a "hands-off" approach to how we went about making everyday choices?  What if it's possible that, as I sit here, contemplating my own lot in the world, God is saying "better figure it out, my son". 

There's a certain level of concern and awareness that comes with that train of thought.  God brings an immense amount of relief from the responsibilities of life, particularly the experiences we have when we make the wrong decision.  If something bad happens, it's because "God is testing me".  Likewise, if something good happens, it's because "God is happy with me and wanted it that way".  What if God doesn't get into the weeds? What if God is more concerned with the whole body of work and where you end in life as opposed to every bit of minuitae that gets you there? 

What if "destiny" is "bullshit"? People who say they are making their own destinies are shunned by many a believer because they throw God's "influence" out the window.  Instead, is it entirely possible that these individuals, in not waiting for a heavenly handout, are in fact being better believers because they find their own way? Along that lines, is it possible that our destiny is what we make of it? Newton, Einstein, Jobs and the like didn't wait for divine intervention to make the discoveries they would be later known for - they just went out and did it and, in many instances, gave less than a shit about whether those around them thought what they were doing was ludicrous, a waste of time, or possibly even against God's word.

I have a hard time fathoming the possibility that those individuals and their kind are not in Heaven.  True, they may not have been ideal "people persons", but their impact on the lives of countless others after them was a testament to the power of free will and bettering your fellow man - even if that wasn't what they had in mind.

In writing this, I'm trying to find my own place in life.  Events and experiences up to now have not provided the long-lasting sense of pride and success that I feel that I am capable of achieving.  I feel relatively small in a very large pond. And unlike countless others in my generation, I have never really felt like I was growing. Was it self-imposed? Did I never really go after my full potential? Did I never chase my dreams? What are my dreams? And why the hell haven't I found them yet?

The task of answering those questions is an immense burden of uncertainty. I wouldn't be sitting here right now, though, if I didn't think I had the aptitude to go after the answers.  And who knows: maybe God wants me to go after those answers, to chase down what would truly make me happy and fulfilled.  But maybe He isn't going to have a hand in it.  Maybe I'm on my own.  Maybe He wants it that way so that I can leave this world one day able to look back at what I've done and be able to say "I did that - I made this world a little bit better for my daughter, my grandkids and the countless other generations that come after me." I don't doubt that God exists - I doubt that I do, at least for now, in the way I think I can exist.  For now, I hope this is the first step to finding myself and who I can be. 

On Personal Responsibility

"With great power comes great responsibility".  If you are any kind of a comic fan (or fellow nerd), you know the origin of that line...at least in my little world.  It's a phrase that has particularly relevant meaning in today's world.  Of course, quoting a comic would perhaps foster thoughts of someone with superhuman powers, able to leap tall buildings and such.  The funny thing is that power, true power, exists in a far less imaginary way.  Power is derived from relationships, from human interactions, and the level of power is dictated by the observer's own strength, knowledge or simple resolve. Responsiblity comes into play in how we choose to utilize that power. 

As I write this, I think of a number of positions of power.  There are parents, stock brokers, presidents, customers, entrepeneurs, priests, preachers, politicians and more.  In each of these roles, the level of power is dictated by the people they interact with.  In each of these roles, there are examples of good and...well, not-so-good use of power. The stock broker who puts his own financial gain above all other things, even if it means breaking the law.  The customer who completely unloads on a sales associate, knowing that if they scream loud enough to the right person they will get everything they want and more.  The politician who rails on violent content in a video game only to be arrested for firearms trafficking and fraud.

Going back to my quote, the dangerous part about power is that with it inherently comes responsibility.  There is a need for the person in a position of power to determine just how much power or influence is appropriate given the situation.  Being responsible is HARD.  It's so much easier to tell your kids to stop doing something "because I said so" than to spend time walking them through the "why". It's really hard to admit that you, not some phantom defect, destroyed your phone because you know it isn't going to be cheap to replace.  In those and countless other situations, the individual in power has to be willing to show restraint.

As a society, America gets a lot of flack for being self-absorbed, petulant, egotistical and power-hungry.  We are perceived as a country that is full of people who think they know better than everyone else because of our military might and our tenacity for innovation. While there certainly may be a tinge of jealousy or misunderstanding involved, some self-reflection may be needed to address some this frank yet relevant feedback. In the grand scheme of things, America is a teenager when it comes to societal history and, occassionally, we act like it.  It wouldn't be a bad thing for us to take a step back for a moment and see if any of those opinions may be valid. 

Fixing an entire society, though, starts at the individual level. How do we perceive ourselves and, more importantly, how do others perceive us? I'm not talking about the superficial traits like beauty. I'm talking about the way others see us when we are in a position of influence or power.  Are we focused on ourselves or the greater good? Are we looking outside of our little place in the world and thinking about how what we do today impacts our future and the future of those around us? Are we raising our children to understand what it means to be responsible for our actions or are we just teaching them how to yell louder?  Finally, are we using the power we have, whatever the situation or position may be, responsibly and helping our world be a little bit better each day? Those aren't easy questions to answer but self-reflection and power are very similar: both take a lot of work but the results are worth the effort.