On Having My Head in the Clouds

Last week, my group received word that there is going to be a rather large reorganization of our business unit. For me, that means we're about to be doing some downsizing. Talk about a gut check. Now you can be positive all you want and focus on things that you actually have control over (doing both already), the fact remains that if everyone is doing that someone is going to be disappointed.

In a semi-sadistic way, I almost want to be cut. Maybe that would be the proverbial kick in the ass I need to go after something I'm really interested in. I have this daydream occasionally of tinkering on a project in the garage, building my own workspace from scratch in our garage. It's an incredibly simplistic dream but one that I find heartwarming nonetheless. Clearly, losing my job would afford me the time to go after that but I'm pretty sure that would not be the best thing for securing my family's well-being.  Just a hunch.

I've had an equally heartwarming but even more unrealistic dream of hitting the lottery. I don't know why I even let that one exist.  The odds of "winning it big" are greater than me meeting my fave celebrities, Dwayne "The ROCK" Johnson or Jennifer Lopez, and those odds are incredibly tiny themselves. Still, it's in that fantasy that I'm able to think of the things I'd do. Let's dream a bit. Assuming I pick the right numbers or enter the right contest, here's my plan of attack:

1. Tell Alissa she doesn't have to work anymore unless she wants to. Ahhhh, that felt great.
2. Time to give the job the boot. It's been real but it's time to leave. Yeah, I'll be nice and give you two weeks' notice but you better believe I'll be more or less keeping a seat warm more than anything.
3. Now that I've rid myself of that crap, time to go back to school. I want to tinker but I need to know how stuff works.  One of the most fun memories I have as a kid is taking apart my bicycle and putting it back together. I have a knack for building things but when it comes to soldering, knowing what chipsets and other tech-bits are needed to build something functional, I'm not that educated. So, off I go to school to figure that part out.
4. Time to move. Ok, maybe that should be #3 to limit the schools to research. Atlanta sucks, the end. I'm moving somewhere that is:
• Closer to family, preferably within a 20-30 minute drive
• Provides a rich, culturally diverse environment for my kids that fosters free thought and a progressive way of life - no editing of textbooks and hindering the free-flow of, you know, FACTS for these kids
• Gives me some opportunity to have a job with my new-found education
5. Relax for a month or so. Well, relax as much as you can with two kids 3 and under at home.
6. Make something really cool with the new-found talent of making widgets.
7. Change the world.

There you have it: a totally realistic plan to start with. And all it requires is an incredibly unlikely stroke of unadulterated luck.  What a nice dream.

On Being Human

What if God is not instrumental in all of the decisions and events that shape our lives?  I'm not asking if God exists.  Instead, I'm asking if it's possible that His influence is not nearly as great as we think...or hope.  Is it possible, since Adam and Eve partook of the famed apple, even then God took a "hands-off" approach to how we went about making everyday choices?  What if it's possible that, as I sit here, contemplating my own lot in the world, God is saying "better figure it out, my son". 

There's a certain level of concern and awareness that comes with that train of thought.  God brings an immense amount of relief from the responsibilities of life, particularly the experiences we have when we make the wrong decision.  If something bad happens, it's because "God is testing me".  Likewise, if something good happens, it's because "God is happy with me and wanted it that way".  What if God doesn't get into the weeds? What if God is more concerned with the whole body of work and where you end in life as opposed to every bit of minuitae that gets you there? 

What if "destiny" is "bullshit"? People who say they are making their own destinies are shunned by many a believer because they throw God's "influence" out the window.  Instead, is it entirely possible that these individuals, in not waiting for a heavenly handout, are in fact being better believers because they find their own way? Along that lines, is it possible that our destiny is what we make of it? Newton, Einstein, Jobs and the like didn't wait for divine intervention to make the discoveries they would be later known for - they just went out and did it and, in many instances, gave less than a shit about whether those around them thought what they were doing was ludicrous, a waste of time, or possibly even against God's word.

I have a hard time fathoming the possibility that those individuals and their kind are not in Heaven.  True, they may not have been ideal "people persons", but their impact on the lives of countless others after them was a testament to the power of free will and bettering your fellow man - even if that wasn't what they had in mind.

In writing this, I'm trying to find my own place in life.  Events and experiences up to now have not provided the long-lasting sense of pride and success that I feel that I am capable of achieving.  I feel relatively small in a very large pond. And unlike countless others in my generation, I have never really felt like I was growing. Was it self-imposed? Did I never really go after my full potential? Did I never chase my dreams? What are my dreams? And why the hell haven't I found them yet?

The task of answering those questions is an immense burden of uncertainty. I wouldn't be sitting here right now, though, if I didn't think I had the aptitude to go after the answers.  And who knows: maybe God wants me to go after those answers, to chase down what would truly make me happy and fulfilled.  But maybe He isn't going to have a hand in it.  Maybe I'm on my own.  Maybe He wants it that way so that I can leave this world one day able to look back at what I've done and be able to say "I did that - I made this world a little bit better for my daughter, my grandkids and the countless other generations that come after me." I don't doubt that God exists - I doubt that I do, at least for now, in the way I think I can exist.  For now, I hope this is the first step to finding myself and who I can be. 

On Personal Responsibility

"With great power comes great responsibility".  If you are any kind of a comic fan (or fellow nerd), you know the origin of that line...at least in my little world.  It's a phrase that has particularly relevant meaning in today's world.  Of course, quoting a comic would perhaps foster thoughts of someone with superhuman powers, able to leap tall buildings and such.  The funny thing is that power, true power, exists in a far less imaginary way.  Power is derived from relationships, from human interactions, and the level of power is dictated by the observer's own strength, knowledge or simple resolve. Responsiblity comes into play in how we choose to utilize that power. 

As I write this, I think of a number of positions of power.  There are parents, stock brokers, presidents, customers, entrepeneurs, priests, preachers, politicians and more.  In each of these roles, the level of power is dictated by the people they interact with.  In each of these roles, there are examples of good and...well, not-so-good use of power. The stock broker who puts his own financial gain above all other things, even if it means breaking the law.  The customer who completely unloads on a sales associate, knowing that if they scream loud enough to the right person they will get everything they want and more.  The politician who rails on violent content in a video game only to be arrested for firearms trafficking and fraud.

Going back to my quote, the dangerous part about power is that with it inherently comes responsibility.  There is a need for the person in a position of power to determine just how much power or influence is appropriate given the situation.  Being responsible is HARD.  It's so much easier to tell your kids to stop doing something "because I said so" than to spend time walking them through the "why". It's really hard to admit that you, not some phantom defect, destroyed your phone because you know it isn't going to be cheap to replace.  In those and countless other situations, the individual in power has to be willing to show restraint.

As a society, America gets a lot of flack for being self-absorbed, petulant, egotistical and power-hungry.  We are perceived as a country that is full of people who think they know better than everyone else because of our military might and our tenacity for innovation. While there certainly may be a tinge of jealousy or misunderstanding involved, some self-reflection may be needed to address some this frank yet relevant feedback. In the grand scheme of things, America is a teenager when it comes to societal history and, occassionally, we act like it.  It wouldn't be a bad thing for us to take a step back for a moment and see if any of those opinions may be valid. 

Fixing an entire society, though, starts at the individual level. How do we perceive ourselves and, more importantly, how do others perceive us? I'm not talking about the superficial traits like beauty. I'm talking about the way others see us when we are in a position of influence or power.  Are we focused on ourselves or the greater good? Are we looking outside of our little place in the world and thinking about how what we do today impacts our future and the future of those around us? Are we raising our children to understand what it means to be responsible for our actions or are we just teaching them how to yell louder?  Finally, are we using the power we have, whatever the situation or position may be, responsibly and helping our world be a little bit better each day? Those aren't easy questions to answer but self-reflection and power are very similar: both take a lot of work but the results are worth the effort.

I've taken a moment in life today to sit and compose my own thoughts on the world I live in. Yes that's a mighty big thing to dwell on in a relatively short amount of time. My second daughter was born last month and it reenergized me a bit. It made me reevaluate where I was in my life, whether what I was doing was properly contributing to a better future for both her and her older sister.  It made me consider whether the things that are in my life are effectively supporting what's most important to me: family. It turns out I have some opportunities for improvement.

First step: health.  Like many people, I have been saying for some time that I need to lose weight, eat better, all of that rhetoric.  And like many, I have talked a good game but haven't executed.  Not long after she was born, I started working out again.  It's been a little slow going (it turns out that your body at 37 needs little more time to recover than when you were 22) but I have worked out at least once a week since she was born.  I haven't really seen much in the way of slimming down but my energy is better.

Second step: career. This one is a tougher cookie. I can't go and do just anything on a whim because I want to see what it's like. Familial responsibilities require a level of stability that certain career paths don't provide.  Therefore, I have begun to work on things that could differentiate myself in my current workplace: available certifications, networking conversations and skip-level meetings with my Director.  Looking through the family lens, though, I am presented with a bit of a bump in this path.

Being where we are currently does not afford easy access to neither my nor my wife's immediate family.  Staying with my current employer would not help that issue as they have concentrations in Georgia and Texas - our families are in Florida and Washington. And while there are some opportunities in those areas with my current employer, the opportunities for advancement long-term become significantly fewer. 

The alternate path this dilemma creates necessitates looking at another employer. The most difficult part of this option is not knowing where I can jump to next.  When you're with the same employer for almost a decade, it's hard to let go of the familiar. Moving to a new place, in itself, is jarring and stressful. Throwing in a new employer with the uncertainty of being the lowest person on the totem pole exacerbates that stress. 

If family is important, and I know that long-term opportunities with my current employer aren't located where I want to be, something has to give. Therefore, I'm starting to network a little with groups in the areas we are interested in living. It's the first step of many to go down this path. And while it is not the safe path and does inherently present some risk, maintaining the path simultaneously with my current employer mitigates some of that risk.  At some point, these two paths running in parallel will diverge and I will have to decide on which one to continue.

Third step: maintain an individual sense of identity. This one hasn't been fleshed out yet.  I know that I should so some things for myself and have a path established for it. I continue to struggle with identifying what that looks like.  My obligations as a husband and father override this step right now and I don't think that many if any people would disagree with that choice.  Still, as time goes on, I don't want to regret taking some time for myself. This is something that I have to work on with my wife as I want her to do the same for herself.

I don't know where I want this blog to go right now.  Maybe it's just my own little journal of life events. For now, at least, it's my little space to process online what's going through my head.  Cheers.

On My Own Lot in Life

When I started writing these entries, I went into it with the mindset of challenging other's thoughts and perspectives on the world.  For one time, at least, I want to do the same for myself.  In plenty of ways, I am happy with the life I have lived up to this point.  But as time ticks along, I keep feeling more and more unfulfilled.  Whether by luck or by choice (probably moreso the latter), I've found myself in a predicament - I feel like I have more to contribute to this world but the responsibilities in my life hinder my ability to just go out on a limb and hope for the best.  This isn't in and of itself a bad thing - I would rather be happy and poor with my wife and soon-to-be two daughters than to be a high-paid celebrity that loses that nucleus as a result. 

Still, I look at the innovators of this world and how they got to be industry icons and most did it in similar circumstances: when they were young and they had next to zero personal responsibility.  Perhaps I haven't found the right example but you don't hear too often about the guy or gal who had 2 kids, a mortgage and all that comes with being an adult becoming a force of nature in their respective field of expertise.  I would love to see those stories, understand how they did it, pick their brains about balancing life and vision. 

Part of what all good visionaries have is passion in what they do.  What I do now does not invoke in me a feeling of deep connection that would stoke a relentless drive to provide the very best to my clients. No, I support some boring, shitty initiatives that have no real major impact on the lives of anyone reading this - I write and facilitate training efforts for internal sales and support processes.  Yeah, it's as totally gratifying as you can imagine.  It's peanuts in the grand scheme of things and I want the steak.

Coming back to passion, half of my problems probably come about because I have no passion.  It's just a reality - nothing in my business life evokes a sense of ownership in a way that makes me want to look at what I do in a different way or light.  It's because what I do and support doesn't impact people's lives significantly - I'm a small cog in a VERY big clock. Now I'm not trying to say that I need to have the biggest cog, but perhaps I need to be a cog in a different clock.

Some people inherently know what they are supposed to do.  For the better part of 15 years, I have yet to really stumble upon what that is for me.  I keep asking myself: what am I passionate about? I now I'm not afraid of talking to a crowd but I don't have anything to talk about.  Kip from Napoleon Dynamite and I are kindred spirits as I love technology (always and forever) but I don't have the technical chops to make something. 

As I write that last paragraph, I know what all of "that" is: excuses.  It's as simple as learning the skills, building something and telling people about it.  It's so easy, right? It's daunting: the first thing that comes to mind is time. Let's take a step back for a second: how am I prioritizing my time and energy right now?  Where can I trim the proverbial fat in my life? If I really want a change in my life, particularly my career, to give me some breathing room to realize my true goals, what can go and what needs to stay? What things do I need to be laser-focused on and what fluff needs to be eliminated?  These are all questions I need to answer and, if you're in the same boat, you should consider.  Maybe next time I write, I'll have answered a few.