What if God is not instrumental in all of the decisions and events that shape our lives? I'm not asking if God exists. Instead, I'm asking if it's possible that His influence is not nearly as great as we think...or hope. Is it possible, since Adam and Eve partook of the famed apple, even then God took a "hands-off" approach to how we went about making everyday choices? What if it's possible that, as I sit here, contemplating my own lot in the world, God is saying "better figure it out, my son".
There's a certain level of concern and awareness that comes with that train of thought. God brings an immense amount of relief from the responsibilities of life, particularly the experiences we have when we make the wrong decision. If something bad happens, it's because "God is testing me". Likewise, if something good happens, it's because "God is happy with me and wanted it that way". What if God doesn't get into the weeds? What if God is more concerned with the whole body of work and where you end in life as opposed to every bit of minuitae that gets you there?
What if "destiny" is "bullshit"? People who say they are making their own destinies are shunned by many a believer because they throw God's "influence" out the window. Instead, is it entirely possible that these individuals, in not waiting for a heavenly handout, are in fact being better believers because they find their own way? Along that lines, is it possible that our destiny is what we make of it? Newton, Einstein, Jobs and the like didn't wait for divine intervention to make the discoveries they would be later known for - they just went out and did it and, in many instances, gave less than a shit about whether those around them thought what they were doing was ludicrous, a waste of time, or possibly even against God's word.
I have a hard time fathoming the possibility that those individuals and their kind are not in Heaven. True, they may not have been ideal "people persons", but their impact on the lives of countless others after them was a testament to the power of free will and bettering your fellow man - even if that wasn't what they had in mind.
In writing this, I'm trying to find my own place in life. Events and experiences up to now have not provided the long-lasting sense of pride and success that I feel that I am capable of achieving. I feel relatively small in a very large pond. And unlike countless others in my generation, I have never really felt like I was growing. Was it self-imposed? Did I never really go after my full potential? Did I never chase my dreams? What are my dreams? And why the hell haven't I found them yet?
The task of answering those questions is an immense burden of uncertainty. I wouldn't be sitting here right now, though, if I didn't think I had the aptitude to go after the answers. And who knows: maybe God wants me to go after those answers, to chase down what would truly make me happy and fulfilled. But maybe He isn't going to have a hand in it. Maybe I'm on my own. Maybe He wants it that way so that I can leave this world one day able to look back at what I've done and be able to say "I did that - I made this world a little bit better for my daughter, my grandkids and the countless other generations that come after me." I don't doubt that God exists - I doubt that I do, at least for now, in the way I think I can exist. For now, I hope this is the first step to finding myself and who I can be.
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